Addressing Criticisms of Empathy - Empathy Circles transform the Drama Triangle
Addressing Criticisms of Empathy - Wholistic Empathy Circles transform the Drama Triangle
Addressing Criticisms of Empathy – Why Wholistic Empathy Circles Resolve the Drama Triangle
Addressing Criticisms of Empathy – Why Empathy Circles Resolve the Drama Triangle
Exiting the Drama Triangle – How Empathy Circles Answer Criticisms of Empathy
Empathy Circles: A Practical Method for Exiting the Drama Triangle
Exiting the Drama Triangle – How Empathy Circles Answer Criticisms of Empathy
I find that mutual empathy is a core value that can bridge the growing divides in the world.
However, there are a growing list of misguide criticisms of empathy that have been coming out over the past several of years.
I am starting to systematically review and address these criticisms. What I have found is that many of these criticisms fit into the Drama Triangle model of dysfunctional relationships. The Drama Triangle is not a example of a
I will show how these criticisms fit into the Drama Triangle an how real empathy as modeled in the Empathy Circle
So the dynamics that lead into the Drama Triangle are not empathy and shows a deep misunderstanding by the critics of what empathy is.
What is the Drama Triangle?
The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model of human interaction first described by Stephen Karpman in 1968. The Drama Triangle destroys relationships. It maps out a common dysfunctional pattern that people can fall into during conflicts or emotionally charged situations. The triangle has three roles:
Victim – Feels oppressed, helpless, mistreated, powerless, or treated unfairly. The Victim seeks rescue and often avoids taking responsibility for their own choices.
Persecutor – Judeges, Blames, criticizes, or dominates others. The Persecutor maintains control by making the Victim feel wrong, inadequate, or at fault.
Rescuer – Intervenes to “save” the Victim, often without consent and in a way that maintains dependence rather than empowering them. The Rescuer feels needed but may neglect their own needs and keep the cycle going.
These roles are reactive, emotionally charged, and maintain conflict rather than resolve it.
What is the Empathy Circle?
An Empathy Circle is a structured group practice for learning, deepening, and spreading empathy through mutual presence, active listening and reflection. It was developed and popularized by Edwin Rutsch and The Empathy Center as a simple yet powerful way to foster mutual understanding, connection, and trust. It builds on the Active Listening process developed by Carl Rogers. Some people describe it as the simplest and most effective practice for cultivating empathy in groups, because it’s easy to learn, scalable, and can be applied in families, organizations, activism, education, and cross-cultural dialogue.
It Counters dynamics like the Drama Triangle by moving away from blame, helplessness, or rescuing, and toward authentic connection.
What is sample Scenario for the Drama Triangle and Empathy Circle?
How do Criticisms of Empathy fit within the Drama Triangle
Empathy makes you a victim
"Empathy turns people into victims, encouraging passivity or dependence."
People will Claim Victimhood and appeal to your empathy. Jordan B. Peterson say people will appeal to your empathy and say they are victims. So you appeal to people feeling sorry for you so you can manipulate them
Empathy is Biased and is just for your ingroup or people like you.
Empathy tends to be biased, meaning we are more likely to empathize with those who are similar to us in terms of social background, race, ethnicity, nationality, or attractiveness. This can lead to overlooking or minimizing the suffering of those in out-groups.
Empathy can lead to partial or unjust decisions, such as favoring someone we feel for over someone with a greater need.
Example Story
Scenario: The family is in the living room after dinner. The son, Alex, has left his plate and a glass on the coffee table.
Persecutor (The Father, Mark): Mark, seeing the dirty dishes, turns to his son with a stern look. "Alex, this is exactly what I'm always talking about. You never clean up after yourself. It's like you expect everyone else to be your personal maid. How many times do I have to tell you?"
Victim (The Son, Alex): Alex slumps into the couch, feeling attacked and misunderstood. "I was going to get it. You're always nagging me about everything. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. Why are you always on my case?" He feels helpless and unfairly criticized.
Rescuer (The Mother, Sarah): Sarah steps in, trying to smooth things over and protect Alex from Mark's criticism. She says to Mark, "Honey, please don't be so harsh. He's had a long day with school and homework. It's just a plate. I'll get it. It's not a big deal." She then turns to Alex, "Don't worry about it, sweetie."
Scenario: The conflict escalates immediately following the initial exchange.
Persecutor (The Son, Alex): Feeling emboldened by his mother's intervention, Alex switches from Victim to Persecutor. He stands up and points a finger at his father. "You know what, Dad? The only reason you're mad about a stupid plate is because you had a bad day at work and now you're taking it out on me, like you always do! You're the one who is always miserable and brings everyone else down!"
Victim (The Father, Mark): Blindsided by the aggressive counter-attack, Mark is suddenly on the defensive. He feels hurt and unjustly accused. He sinks into a chair, his anger deflating into defeat. "That's not fair, Alex. I work hard for this family. The last thing I need when I come home is to be disrespected and accused of being a miserable person." He now feels like the victim of his son's verbal assault.
Rescuer (The Mother, Sarah): Sarah's allegiance shifts to rescue her now-victimized husband. She turns to Alex, her tone changing from soothing to chiding. "Alex, that was completely out of line. You do not speak to your father that way. He does so much for us, and he deserves your respect. Apologize to him right now." She now tries to protect Mark from Alex's harsh words, perpetuating the cycle of the triangle.
Empathy Circle Alternative
Excellent question. The Drama Triangle is a reactive, problem-focused dynamic. The Empathy Circle, as designed by Edwin Rutsch, is a structured process that intentionally breaks this cycle by fostering connection and mutual understanding before any problem-solving is attempted.
Here is how the family's dynamic could be transformed using this process.
First, it's important to understand the structure and rules of an Empathy Circle.
The Basic Structure:
Participants agree to take on specific roles that rotate: Speaker, Active Listener, and Silent Observers.
The Speaker has a set amount of time (e.g., 5 minutes) to talk about their feelings and experience without interruption.
The Active Listener's only job is to listen deeply and then reflect back what they heard to the Speaker's satisfaction. They do not judge, advise, or share their own story. The key phrase is, "What I'm hearing you say is..."
After the Speaker feels heard, the roles switch. The Active Listener becomes the new Speaker, and another person becomes the new Active Listener. This continues until everyone has had a turn in each role.
This structure fundamentally breaks the Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer roles by removing the possibility of attack, defense, or unsolicited help.
Let's imagine the family (Mark, Sarah, and Alex) agrees to try this process after their fight, perhaps with Sarah initiating it as a way to truly "rescue" the situation, not just a person. They sit down and agree to the rules.
Round 1: Alex's Turn as Speaker
Speaker: Alex
Active Listener: Mark (the initial Persecutor)
Silent Observer: Sarah
Alex starts. For five minutes, he speaks without interruption. "I feel like I can't do anything right in this house. When you get on my case about the plate, it feels like you don't see any of the good things I do, like my grades or helping with the groceries. It makes me feel small and angry, and like you just think I'm a lazy kid. I was going to clean it up, but when you yell, I just shut down."
Now, Mark's role is not to defend himself or correct Alex. His only job is to reflect.
Mark's Reflection: "Okay. What I'm hearing you say is that when I criticize you about something like a plate, it makes you feel like I don't appreciate anything else you do. You feel angry and small, and it causes you to shut down rather than act. You also said you had intended to clean it up later. Is that right?"
Alex, feeling truly heard for the first time, simply says, "Yes. That's it."
Outcome of Round 1: The Persecutor-Victim dynamic is broken. Mark was forced to step into Alex's shoes and validate his feelings, even if he doesn't agree with the entire premise. Alex moves from a powerless Victim to someone who has been heard and acknowledged.
Round 2: Mark's Turn as Speaker
Speaker: Mark
Active Listener: Sarah (the initial Rescuer)
Silent Observer: Alex
Mark now shares his experience. "I come home from work and I'm exhausted. My job is stressful. When I see messes left around, it doesn't feel like a home. It feels like another job I have to manage. I feel disrespected and unappreciated, like the hard work I do all day isn't valued here. My frustration isn't just about a plate; it's about feeling like I'm carrying the burden of keeping order alone, and I get scared that I'm failing at teaching you responsibility."
Now, Sarah's role is not to rescue Mark or Alex. She must simply reflect.
Sarah's Reflection: "So, what I'm hearing is that you feel stressed from work, and seeing a mess when you get home makes you feel disrespected and unappreciated. You feel like you're alone in trying to maintain order, and your anger comes from a deeper fear that you're not succeeding as a father in teaching responsibility. Did I get that?"
Mark nods. "Yes, exactly."
Outcome of Round 2: The "mean" Persecutor is gone. In his place is a vulnerable person expressing his own needs, fears, and feelings of being overwhelmed. Alex, as a silent observer, hears his father's inner world in a way he never has before.
Round 3: Sarah's Turn as Speaker
Speaker: Sarah
Active Listener: Alex
Silent Observer: Mark
Sarah now shares her feelings. "When you two start fighting, my heart starts pounding. I feel incredibly anxious and trapped in the middle. I love you both so much, and I can't stand seeing you hurt each other. My instinct is to just make it stop as fast as possible, so I jump in to fix it. But then I just feel exhausted, like I'm the referee in a game that never ends. I don't want to take sides; I just want us to feel like a team."
Now, Alex must reflect on his mother's experience.
Alex's Reflection: "Okay, so what I hear you saying is that our fighting gives you a lot of anxiety and makes you feel trapped. You jump in to rescue us not because you're taking a side, but because you just want the conflict to end. And you're left feeling tired and wishing we could all just be on the same team. Is that it?"
Sarah nods, maybe with tears in her eyes. "Yes, sweetie. That's it."
Outcome of Round 3: The Rescuer role is dissolved. Sarah is no longer just a functionary smoothing things over; she is a person with her own feelings of anxiety and a need for peace and unity. Both Mark and Alex see her experience clearly.
After the circle is complete, the original problem of the plate seems trivial. The family has moved from a reactive, blame-based dynamic to one of shared understanding.
No more Persecutor: Mark is seen as a person with stress and a need for respect.
No more Victim: Alex is seen as a person with a need for acknowledgment and fairness.
No more Rescuer: Sarah is seen as a person with a need for peace and a feeling of being caught in the middle.
They can now address the "plate" issue from a place of connection, not conflict. The conversation might sound like this:
Mark: "Alex, now that I understand how my words land, I'll try to be less harsh. Can we agree that part of being a team is cleaning up our own messes by, say, the end of the evening?" Alex: "Yeah, Dad. And now that I get that you're stressed and not just trying to be mean, I'll make more of an effort. I'm sorry I blew up at you." Sarah: "Thank you both. It means so much to me when we can talk like this."
The family has successfully transformed the toxic Drama Triangle into a dynamic of mutual empathy, shared responsibility, and authentic communication.
Drama Triangle Empathy Circle
Reactivity Reflective listening
Role entrapment Role clarity and equality
Blame and fixing Curiosity and understanding
Emotional escalation Emotional regulation
Miscommunication Deepened mutual connection
Criticism by Author
Selective Empathy - you empathize with one side and not the other.
Briethautt
Stukey
Victimization - you empathize with the victim - turns people into victims.
Sample Criticism 1
Sample Criticism 2
Sample Criticism 3
Sample Criticism 4